Getting the hang of motherhood. I think.

There was a time when my duties as a mom were something I dreaded. Something I knew I would fail at or at least do very poorly. And the mommy guilt was killing me! But what choice did I have but to keep plodding on, hoping I wasn't going to ruin my kids lives? Dramatics aside, this is how I felt for most of the first three years of this new career of mine. Motherhood.

And if I'm being really honest, maybe even four years. And my daughter is four. Sheesh! I guess I just looked around one day and said to myself, "I seem to be getting the hang of this. I don't stress as much about meals or doing crafts with them or disciplining them when I'm angry... That's cool." The first thing I did was praise God in my heart for bringing me here because he knew all along I would find peace in the chaos of this life but I didn't always believe it.

I guess what I'm saying is that there is definitely an "oh shit" moment when you have kids. When the challenges just seem to be piling up and your skill level to deal with them keeps dropping. And I think about how I now have two of them and I don't just want them to survive... I want them to be well adjusted and happy but I am so far from that goal. How do you find the motivation to keep going and have any joy in the process? I have learned how crucial it is to have joy when you're given a task that will require a lifetime effort of diligence, patience and grace. How else could anyone get through it?

So when I talk about "getting here" or "getting the hang of it" it really just means that I'm not in panic mode all the time and that my anxiety levels have gone down enough for me to actually feel accomplished once in a while. I feel so much of this comes from trusting God and trusting that I don't need to have all the answers to handle something responsibly. That if my first goal is to communicate how much I love my kids while I deal with them that no matter how mad I make them that underlying theme will dissolve a lot of the confusion and hurt along the way. I can say with just as much confidence that this is only a season and sooner or later I'll feel out of my element when faced with new challenges and will have to start the process all over again. And the key here is to remember - always remember - what got me through the first time.....