Light bulb moment!

So I have been on the lookout for a modern kitchen mat since I first started using the one I picked up from Costco. That one is not modern. It is functional. But it is oh so functional and I cannot part with it. It stretches from the coffee maker to the breakfast bar (where I spend most of my day feeding my kid's tapeworms) and is right in front of the sink. When I don't have this squishy little mat under my feet, my back hurts. And my feet hurt. I've decided that I cannot live without one.

Problem it - it's as ugly as sin. It's a painting of apples with faux antique lettering and colors. Blech. It is so unlike my "style" that one of my friends pointed it out and said, "Wow. Never would have figured I'd see something like that in your house." I kinda took that as a compliment. But the truth is that it really doesn't belong and I'd love something just like it with pretty, regular colors. But it does not exist! (Ok, seriously - I dare you to google kitchen mat and come up with anything but roosters, coffee cups and crappy still lifes)

My light bulb moment came last night while I was weighing the pros and cons of painting mine. It's not that it would be hard but would it be worth it?? It's hard enough for me to use the bathroom by myself let alone bust out a can of spray paint in a well ventilated area undisturbed. Then I remembered that I already have something similar that I use for a totally different purpose. My beloved yoga mat!

I only do yoga sporadically so no, I am not lithe and flexible, but I do love this thing because not only do I use it every few months for stretching I pull it out when Amelia has a sleep over. It's the perfect layer of padding to go under a sleeping bag which means it works equally well for camping. This thing has come in handy more times than I can count...

So why not... in the kitchen? Do yoga mats come in modern colors and patterns? Are the thick ones affordable? The answer to all of those questions is YES. (mind blown)

So instead of shelling out $40 for the ONLY modern kitchen mat I could find - 
I decided that I have dozens of more affordable options :)

Like this -

and this -

and this -

Do you have a favorite?

Getting the hang of motherhood. I think.

There was a time when my duties as a mom were something I dreaded. Something I knew I would fail at or at least do very poorly. And the mommy guilt was killing me! But what choice did I have but to keep plodding on, hoping I wasn't going to ruin my kids lives? Dramatics aside, this is how I felt for most of the first three years of this new career of mine. Motherhood.

And if I'm being really honest, maybe even four years. And my daughter is four. Sheesh! I guess I just looked around one day and said to myself, "I seem to be getting the hang of this. I don't stress as much about meals or doing crafts with them or disciplining them when I'm angry... That's cool." The first thing I did was praise God in my heart for bringing me here because he knew all along I would find peace in the chaos of this life but I didn't always believe it.

I guess what I'm saying is that there is definitely an "oh shit" moment when you have kids. When the challenges just seem to be piling up and your skill level to deal with them keeps dropping. And I think about how I now have two of them and I don't just want them to survive... I want them to be well adjusted and happy but I am so far from that goal. How do you find the motivation to keep going and have any joy in the process? I have learned how crucial it is to have joy when you're given a task that will require a lifetime effort of diligence, patience and grace. How else could anyone get through it?

So when I talk about "getting here" or "getting the hang of it" it really just means that I'm not in panic mode all the time and that my anxiety levels have gone down enough for me to actually feel accomplished once in a while. I feel so much of this comes from trusting God and trusting that I don't need to have all the answers to handle something responsibly. That if my first goal is to communicate how much I love my kids while I deal with them that no matter how mad I make them that underlying theme will dissolve a lot of the confusion and hurt along the way. I can say with just as much confidence that this is only a season and sooner or later I'll feel out of my element when faced with new challenges and will have to start the process all over again. And the key here is to remember - always remember - what got me through the first time.....

Showing mercy to my children

It really comes in handy when you're a parent. Especially when you're faced with a challenge that will not go away - for me it's been the extreme range of emotions my kids have and how they display them.

It started with Amelia. We thought we were in the clear after escaping the terrible twos but were in for a treat when we discovered we had a threenager. The only difference between her and a teenager was that she didn't know how to scream, "I hate you!" while storming out of the room. But she was thinking it.

And she stormed out of rooms a lot but she also let out blood curdling screams when she didn't get her way or a torrent of fresh tears often babbling through them about how I was being "so unfair". Yes, my three year old said that.

My husband and I were pretty caught off guard by it. It seriously felt like she was going to start menstruating any minute which was scary (what will it be like when she does?!). And then I remembered something.

How out of my gourd I was as a kid! How many times my mom yelled at me because she could not understand why I was crying/screaming/bouncing off the walls with energy. She was perpetually frustrated with my complete lack of discipline or discretion and I was just as mystified.

I felt everything so strongly as a kid. When I was sad, frustrated or excited it consumed me. And I don't think that's abnormal. As kids we are completely at the mercy of other people so all we do is experience what they have laid out for us.

Now, circumstances play into this quite a bit but we don't control those either so were forced to deal with (not gracefully) whatever comes our way. What I've noticed is that we adults often hold that against them.

We punish kids so often for things they've haven't been taught yet. That was a theme in my house and it was pretty crippling. I lived in a constant state of fear because the message being sent was "fly right or be punished" and yet I was rarely taught how to actually behave. Aside from that long lists of dont's...

So I thank God that he has given me a heart of compassion for my own little irrational, ungrateful and uncouth offspring. It didn't happen right away but as I started reflecting on those memories when I was upset with them I'd have a little more peace. A little less helplessness and panic that I was forever bound to this monster who would rule my life with their needless drama.

Kids feel helpless most of the time - when they're not feeling bored, angry, ticked off or happy. So I try to remember that when I'm disciplining mine.